i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Damn victory sex feels great
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize