Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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