It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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