im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
