got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
