How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
