the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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