Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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