Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
