I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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