How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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