Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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