I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
