My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
this just has baby written all over it
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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