so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
