So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Someone came in the potted fern
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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