He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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