so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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