so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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