The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You took a bar mat shot.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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