he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize