ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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