I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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