I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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