dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
