I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
