So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
