Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Girls should come with a carfax report
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
