I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's official drugs can't kill me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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