he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
