when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
