fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
