another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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