you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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