i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize