wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
