Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
