I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
