She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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