I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
