im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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