I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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