That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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