he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
