I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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