just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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