I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
