So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
