Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
