i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
