There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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