I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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