Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
