Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
