Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
