'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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