I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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